Forgiveness can be a hard pill to swallow. I believe it’s hard because in our minds some things are just unforgivable. We can’t fathom ever forgiving someone for hurting us, or hurting someone we love. In the process of awakening, in order to move out of a karma cycle, and learn our lessons we have to do our shadow work. I believe it’s in the shadows that we truly learn who we are. It’s our job to learn from our past mistakes, and see what’s really the cause to our problems, and why we keep getting thrown into karma cycles. I had to dig deep. I suppressed things from my childhood that I never wanted to relive, or think about again. It’s hard for me to write this because I haven’t told a lot of people what I experienced. I never wanted to remember.
I told you guys I didn’t have a great childhood, and that is the truth. I finally realized where my anger came from, and who I was really angry at. You see when I was younger I was raised by a single mother, who did her best to provide for the three young children that she had. She worked a lot, and we were left with her boyfriends most of the time. My mother always attracted the same guys. Always the same guy with a different face, and they had an eye for little girls. My sister and I were the targets. It wasn’t a pleasant childhood, and with my sister being a year older than I, she was targeted most. For so long I was angry at myself for not being able to protect her. I blamed myself for all the problems that she endured in her life. It wasn’t until recently, while digging deep into my darker side, that I realized I wasn’t angry at myself. I was a child, I couldn’t protect anyone. No, I was angry at my mother. It was her job to protect us, and she failed miserably. We told her once we were in our teens, and she didn’t believe us. It wasn’t until her last few days on this earth that she sent me an email telling me that she was sorry. Better late than never, but that angered me even more. I wish she would’ve at least told me face to face.
Forgiveness is hard, but I had to do it. I couldn’t move on if I couldn’t forgive. We all have lessons to learn, and we choose those lessons before we are born. What happened in my childhood was a lesson that I had to learn. It was a hard lesson, and it took me years, but I finally understand that in order to move forward in life, and truly enjoy it, we have to learn those lessons, or be doomed to repeat them over and over again.
We have to face our fears, and learn to choose love. Yes it’s hard, but I don’t want the past haunting me forever, and holding me back from the life I know I deserve. We all deserve to live our dream life, and we can.